12 & 13 Week Update

Week 12 went off without a hitch for us. There's not really anything to report, other than we spent the week planning our babymoon! Updates on the babymoon will be posted soon.

How far along? 12 weeks

Total weight gain: I've gained a pound since last week, which puts me at -3 lbs!
Maternity clothes? This week I had to ditch the belly band with my work pants, because the zipper refused to go up. I'm in maternity work pants, all other pants I can just use the belly band for. No tops yet.
Have you started to show yet: Just a little bit
Stretch marks? None that I didn't have already
Sleep: I'm exhausted, but sleep has been restless due to graphic nightmares. I was hoping the nightmares would ease up this week, but they haven't.
Best moment this week: First stranger asked me when I was due.
Miss Anything? Margaritas and Dr Pepper.
Movement: Every so often I'll feel flutters
Food cravings: This week I've craved anything sweet.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Chicken, eggs
Gender: This week I hope it's a girl, and Jacob hopes it's a boy, still.
Labor Signs: Not yet!
Symptoms: Less nausea, bloating, headaches, vivid dreams, acne breakouts, tender breasts
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Still moody. I'm afraid it's borderline bitchy.
Looking forward to: More visible bump, no more nightmares.

So for all of week 13 has been spent in a car. We left Monday night and drove to Arizona, then Colorado, and then back home. My actual bump update picture will be added to this post later, and I'll be posting a babymoon post, as well.

How far along? 13 weeks

Total weight gain: I haven't been near a scale this week, due to the babymoon.
Maternity clothes? Same maternity work pants. Still using the rubber band trick and belly bands for jeans. I have been wearing some maternity tops, mostly because of the extra boob space.
Have you started to show yet: Just a little bit
Stretch marks? None that I didn't have already
Sleep: I'm exhausted, but sleep has been restless due to graphic nightmares, still. I also spent Monday-Thursday nights sleeping in a car or camping, which is not so easy when pregnant.
Best moment this week: Feeling Little Booger kick while at the Grand Canyon.
Miss Anything? Dr Pepper. I want it sooooo bad!
Movement: Every so often I'll feel flutters
Food cravings: Still craving sweets, mostly gummy candy, but also Dr Pepper.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Chicken, eggs
Gender: This week I hope it's a girl, and Jacob hopes it's a boy, still.
Labor Signs: Not yet!
Symptoms: Bloating, headaches, vivid dreams, acne breakouts, tender breasts, swollen hands and feet.
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On, barely. If my hands keep swelling, it will be off by September.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Still moody. It's definitely bitchy now. I cry so easily.
Looking forward to: More visible bump, no more nightmares, no more swelling.

Reflecting

At times there comes a point where we have to choose how we let some great misfortune effect our ability to continue living. For some it's easier than for others. Those who were blessed with a continually sunny outlook on life seem to let these misfortunes slide right off of them like water off a duck's back. But for those -- like me -- who were most assuredly not blessed with that great attribute, these moments are more difficult.

I have been suicidal off and on since I was twelve. This is not something I have ever hidden, nor do I intend to start. Various times in my life have threatened to push me over the edge into action, and there have been many times in the past that I have tried to end my life. Thank God, thus far I have failed. 

Ever since I found out I was pregnant this time, I have been borderline panicked that I'll miscarry again. Every time I think of it I burst into tears, thanks in part to the fact that I'll cry over just about anything right now. I legitimately do not know what I would do if I had another miscarriage so soon. I keep telling myself that the chances are slim, seeing as I've both seen the baby's heartbeat on an ultrasound and heard it on the doppler, but it still happens. 

And I'm scared. I have been attempting to reminisce the miscarriage in October, in hopes that I can lay it to rest enough that I can find peace about this miscarriage.

On Tuesday, October 23rd, 2012 at roughly 7:30 in the morning, I took a pregnancy test. My period in September had only lasted two days, and had been very, very light. All through October I have been nauseous, had headaches daily, been dizzy for no good reason, gained weight, been overly tired, had every pregnancy symptom in the book. I had thought since about October 5th that I was pregnant, however I was going to wait for an actual missed period to buy a pregnancy test. They're expensive.

I have a very regular, 30 day cycle. When my period was two days late, on Monday. October 22nd, I started thinking back over the last month. At least two of my coworkers had asked if I was pregnant that month because of the combination of my symptoms and general demeanor. I told Jacob that night that I would be taking a pregnancy test if I hadn't started by Friday. I wish so badly that I had just done as I planned, and waited until Friday. While it wouldn't have changed what happened, it would have left me ignorant of the fact that I had been pregnant.

But Jacob asked me to take the test on Tuesday. I did. It was positive, just as I knew it would be. Judging by my calculations, I was right at 9 weeks pregnant, due May 28th. I spent Tuesday morning floating on cloud nine. 

At lunch time, the cramps started. They came in waves, and were so bad that they nearly had me hunched over in tears at times. I knew then that  I was losing the baby. Even though I had only known for sure of its existence for a few hours, and had only assumed for a few weeks, it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. 

I had no blood on Tuesday, so I went to bed assuming that I was having the beginnings of a miscarriage, but holding on to the hope that it was simply a fluke. 

Wednesday I bled as I have never bled before, and had the same horrifying cramps. I knew then that it was over. 

My baby was at 9 weeks gestation, just two weeks smaller than Little Booger. My baby was the size of a grape. My baby had little fingers and toes. My baby's heart had been beating for three weeks. I would have got to hear that little heartbeat sometime in the next two weeks at a doctor's appointment. 

My baby was not planned. In fact, I don't know how we would have made it. I love that baby. All I can do is imagine him or her in heaven, surrounded by the three babies my Mama miscarried, and all of the multitude of babies my aunts and cousins have miscarried, playing with my Granddad and my Gi. I just imagine him or her being with Jesus, and try to be thankful that he or she will never have to deal with the hardships that Earth is so fraught with. 

But at the same time, I can't help but be heartbroken. I wanted that baby. I'll never get to hold my baby. I'll never get to see my baby smile, or hear its little heartbeat, or buy it little shoes. That baby will never get to be a big brother or sister. That baby would have been six weeks old now. I can't help but be angry about it. Why is it that 3542 women a day abort babies they don't want that they could have carried full term, when women who long for the babies in their wombs so much lose theirs? I know that I will never have the answer to that, but I can't help but wonder. 

I know that God has a plan for me, and that even if Little Booger goes to be with my first baby, and their aunts or uncles and cousins, I will make it. I can't help but to be terrified, though.

Week 11 Update

I decided after my first post that I was going to wait a bit before posting again, just in case I had a repeat of my last pregnancy. However, things are going incredibly well. We had an ultrasound at what we thought was 9 weeks, to ensure that this pregnancy was off to a better start than the last. Little Booger's heartbeat was very strong in the ultrasound, strong enough that Dr. Allison said she felt that this should be a healthy baby, and that the threat of miscarriage was low.

During the ultrasound, we found out that I wasn't quite as far along as we had thought. On what should have been the first day of my ninth week, we discovered that I was actually on the second day of my eighth week. Little Booger is due January 27th, 2014.

I spent all of week eight on antibiotics to knock out a really bad bladder infection. The antibiotics made me much more nauseous than I had been, but it cleared the infection up. 

We had another appointment at 10 weeks 2 days to hear the heartbeat. I was scared senseless for this one, as the last doctor's appointment I had gone to to hear a baby's heartbeat was with my mother, and it was the appointment she found out she had a miscarriage. The thought of Dr. Allison searching for the heartbeat for as long as Dr. Graves searched for my little brother or sister's scared me half to death.

The first few seconds were torture, waiting to hear the heartbeat. Sure enough, it started loud and fast. I might have cried, but who knows. Dr. Allison said again that this was a good sign, and that the risk of miscarriage after hearing a strong heartbeat with the doppler drops to 3%. My next appointment is July 31st, at 14 weeks, 2 days.

Start of a baby bump at 11 weeks!

The last week I have been battling a serious sinus infection, which has only worsened my new-found weepiness. In the last week I have cried at least once a day, over things ranging from seeing a whale die on t.v., to a wine glass breaking, to the fact that I was sick and had to work on my birthday. I did give in (with doctors approval, of course) and had a glass of red wine last night, since it was my 21st birthday and all.

I also felt Little Booger move for the first time the week. I mostly only feel the movement in the morning when I first wake up, but it will hit with less intensity throughout the day when I'm sitting still.

How far along? 11 weeks

Total weight gain: Due to nausea, I'm currently at -4 lbs.
Maternity clothes? I have to wear a belly band with jeans!
Have you started to show yet: Just a little bit
Stretch marks? None that I didn't have already
Sleep: I'm exhausted, but sleep has been restless due to graphic nightmares.
Best moment this week: Feeling little booger!
Miss Anything? I so wanted to have an Irish Car Bomb on my 21st birthday Sunday.
Movement: Every so often I'll feel flutters
Food cravings: Mac & Cheese & apple juice
Anything making you queasy or sick: Chicken, eggs
Gender: This week I hope it's a girl, and Jacob hopes it's a boy.
Labor Signs: Not yet!
Symptoms: Lots of nausea, bloating, headaches
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody, bless Jacob's heart. I cried yesterday because a whale died on tv, and today in the car because I thought of my Mama.
Looking forward to: More visible bump, less nausea